Lately, my relationship with my boyfriend has deteriorated, and is likely past the point of possibly being saved. I haven't given my best effort to anything at all in the past few months. I've spent them in a constant state of anxiety, afraid of what I'd do 'wrong' next. Nothing I do at this point seems to be good enough in his eyes.
In the beginning, things were great, but I see now, that maybe they were too good to be true. I admired this man, who had absolute stability in his life - and when I began to fall for him, I hoped he would offer me the same. About a year and a half into our relationship, his past caught up to him. After being divorced for over six years, his ex-wife began a battle - an outright war against his sanity - using his children as the soldiers. We have lived in constant emotional torture and that turmoil has changed him...
He insists that he is the same person he was when I met him. He's not... And here is the thing: we are not married. He never made the commitment to me, the "for better or for worse" - something I secretly wished for and wanted so badly with him. I never pressured him - never even brought it up too directly - because what we had was enough.
But its different now, and after seeing him change so much in the past year and a half, after I have hurt with him and suffered the emotional pain of losing his children right beside him, I feel heartbroken. I tried my best to weather this storm, but when the person you live with and love won't make an honest commitment to be with you forever - am I being fair to myself, to keep living with someone who has become a stranger?
I often write in guided journals when I am upset or stressed out about life. Tonight I opened my journal to this question - "What's the greatest lesson you've learned about love?"
Here's what I wrote...